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Charlotte North Carolina
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Chloe's Chatter

How To Bathe Your Human

Chloe & Andrea

This Article is from Chloe's monthly blog for The Carolinas Equestrian Magazine. Click HERE to learn more about this fabulous local publication. 

It is recommended to bathe your human the day before the horse show, clinic or other big event because you want your human to represent you in the best possible light.  Typically this goal cannot be accomplished with a mere spa day, but every little bit helps. The amount of our hair they accumulate on themselves is unsightly. Have they ever heard of a curry comb or a vacuum? 

When Andrea appears with her bucket of bath products and begins to unravel the green water snake curled up in the corner of the wash stall, it is my cue to initiate my services.  I’d like to mention that this is a free service that I offer out of the kindness of my heart, something Andrea continuously fails to appreciate. Anyway, your first goal when bathing your human should be to redirect the water snake.  Your human should always be on the receiving end of the spray. As soon as you feel the spray hit your legs, immediately dance to the other side of the wash stall, away from the spray. In all my years, I have yet to understand why they point the spray at us.  For maximum results, you can even dance directly towards them, into the spray, and catch them off guard. Continue to repeat your dance moves until your human is soaked.

Next, your human should be preparing to sponge you with soapy water. You want to wait until the bucket is near full, with the suds overflowing, and then casually knock the bucket over. I like to act like I hear an alarming noise behind me and quickly turn to investigate, swinging my back leg against the bucket and sending the soapy water all over the place.  If you can manage to get your hoof inside the bucket, you get bonus points!  Another key moment to take advantage of is when your human is scrubbing your tail. When my tail is all lathered, I like to whip that sucker around like a swarm of horse flies has descended on the wash stall. Suds go flying and your human is clean!

Make sure to rinse your human well, as they are weak creatures, and are prone to skin sensitivities. I generally repeat the dance method above, but when I am feeling lazy I like to step on the water snake like a ninja. I do this covertly every time and still each time Andrea looks at the end of the water snake in surprise, then all over the ground searching for the answer. “Why isn’t it working?”  When she finally realizes what I have done, I like to play dumb. She pushes me, I lean back into her, lovingly. She tries to lift my hoof, I lift the wrong one. My personal favorite is to remove my hoof, letting a good 3 seconds of spray hit the ground, before stepping again on the water snake with another hoof. Once I managed to get 3 hooves on the water snake, but like I said, I am a ninja and these sort of things should not be tried at home. 

Lastly, the trick to drying your human is to run around your field and roll in multiple spots. This will cause them to chase you, flapping their arms like a lunatic and they will dry in no time. Hopefully you will end up with a cleaner human than when you started, but it does take practice. Please note that dapples are not guaranteed. Good luck, friends.

xoxo, Chloe.